EMPTY NEST

I have been burning the midnight oil writing, rewriting, and editing the third volume in my Grave Obsessions series and finally submitted it to my wonderful publisher, Helping Hands Press.  The minute I hit "send" it was as if my child left for college.  I began to instantly suffer from empty-nest syndrome ... My thoughts had been consumed by the story, regardless where I was or what I was doing.  Even when retiring for the night (or at 4 a.m. in my case), my thoughts then and waking up were of the next chapter or a new plot twist - what am I to do now?

This is something I experience at the end of each project.  The emptiness doesn't last long as I have three other projects in the works, but for a few days I find myself a little sad and wondering how my child is doing so far away from home.

Grave Obsessions - Volume III - Shackled Souls is available for pre-order now!  Click here: http://ow.ly/AOyIq

Children of prominent San Diego citizens are disappearing. Detective Dallas Keegan returns to work and is assigned this heart wrenching case with a new partner, hired while she was on leave. Neither are aware the children are victims of a child laundering enterprise headed by a man determined to reap the financial rewards and notoriety as well.

Life Interrupted

Well folks, it's almost here!  Fantasy Football starts in a little over a week.

As a writer, I struggle with stress due to deadlines, rewrites and editing, but the stress involved in Fantasy Football is different ... and excruciating.  The minute I got a reminder from Yahoo that it's time to get my league together, my blood pressure spiked and the competitor came out of hibernation.

This is what my life will be like during the season:

1.  Adding and dropping players in the middle of the night before anyone else gets a chance to grab the "good ones."

2.  Researching weekly statistics and projections daily for upcoming games ... adjusting my roster accordingly.

3.  Laptop, cell phone, television and Ipad tuned into games on Sunday (So many players, so little devices.)

4.  Fighting the temptation to turn on my cell phone and check my player points while singing in the church choir on Sundays.  (Thank goodness we sing on Saturday nights a lot!)

5.  Trying to keep my smack talk "clean".

6.  Checking injury and illness reports daily.

7.  Expecting to explain and prove to the neighbors (or cops at the door) there is no domestic dispute going on...

8.  Making sure I have plenty of comfort food for those bad weeks.

9.  Trying to keep my promise to my dentist that I won't grit my teeth.

10. Most importantly, constantly reminding myself meals won't cook themselves, laundry will not fold itself, the house will not clean itself, and the dogs can't open the door themselves.

FACING CHALLENGES WITH FAITH

Life somehow finds a way to pull the rug out from under us. During those times of despair we have two choices:  1) Hit the floor and stay there or 2) Grab His hand and rise.

The following is an excerpt from "Embrace the Morning - Rosary Meditations to Calm the Storm."

Luke 22:39-42: Then going out he went, as was his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. When he arrived at the place he said to them, “Pray that you may not undergo the test.”After withdrawing about a stone's throw from them and kneeling, he prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done.”

Jesus, in his agony, remained steadfast in accepting the Father's will. We too are faced with agony in our life, and need to hold fast to the belief that God is with us. He will not saddle us with more than we can endure. In His mercy, he will give us the fortitude to withstand anything that comes our way – if we let Him.

Let us pray:

Jesus, in your agony you turned to the Father in faith and trust, knowing he would never forsake you. When I am faced with challenges in my life, may my faith and trust emulate yours.

HE IS MY REFUGE

This last Saturday my husband and I were sitting in the living room, enjoying dinner and watching televison.  The front door opened and in walked a scraggly blonde young man we'd never seen before.  He took off his jacket and hat and dropped them on the floor and said, "Hi."  Startled, the only thing I could mutter was, "Who are you, what are you doing and why did you walk into our home without knocking?"  He said he was sorry but was looking for his friends but couldn't remember where they lived. I advised him his friends were not here and politely asked him to leave.  He looked hurt and hesitated for a moment, so I stood up and escorted him out.  It was the oddest experience I'd ever had and it wasn't until a few hours later that I began to feel the fear.  

I reported the incident to the Sheriff and found out later the young man was arrested later that night for attempting to steal a car, and that he was definitely under the influence of drugs. God was definitely watching over me and my family that afternoon. Had I reacted angrily or with fear, the outcome may have been disastrous.  

2 Samuel 22:3

 My God, my rock of refuge! My shield, my saving horn,

my stronghold, my refuge,my savior, from violence you keep me safe.

I pray God watches over that young man and guides him in a new direction.

Walking Away

From "A Mended Heart - Rosary Meditations on Forgiveness"

"Admitting fault is difficult enough but asking for forgiveness is one of the most difficult and humbling experiences we can face.  Pride and embarrassment sometimes holds us back, but we know it is absolutely necessary to admit our faults and make amends. We become vulnerable in our humility and repentance; we are sincere and anticipate forgiveness.
Unfortunately, there are some who refuse to forgive.  The past is continually recalled, and we are constantly rebuked.  Carrying grudges instead of forgiving inhibits the ability to be truly happy and creates a detachment from God and His will.  Whatever the transgression, there is nothing that cannot be forgiven.  Jesus sets the ultimate example."

If someone in our life refuses to forgive, we have to accept it and let go. If we don't, that person becomes toxic and we are at risk of being affected emotionally and spiritually.  It's okay to be protective and walk away, as long as it's done without malice and with a forgiving heart.

An Ounce of Prevention ...

I recently met with my priest for confession, and one of the things I had to admit was missing Mass. By the time I made my appointment to meet with him, I was miserable.

In all honesty, I knew what was wrong, but needed to hear it from my confessor. Consumed by life's distractions; I lost focus and took a detour on my faith journey.  More Masses missed, more distance from God.  Instead of being filled with the Holy Spirit, I was deluged with fear, anxiety, sadness and restlessness.

I dreaded returning after so many absences, and when I dipped my fingers in the holy water, I halfway expected it to burn my skin.  That didn't happen, of course, and when I knelt down, facing the altar and the crucified Christ, a sense of calm slowly returned.  When I accepted the Eucharist, the Holy Spirit coursed throughout my body and soul.  I was whole again.

Lesson Learned:  Benjamin Franklin said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Attending and participating in weekly Mass keeps me connected to God and prevents me from becoming spiritually bankrupt and suffering the despair that follows.


 

Reflection on Writing - Am I Crazy or What?

Here I am, in the middle of FOUR, yes FOUR works in progress.  It wasn't planned that way, it just happened.  My overactive brain evidently avoids even a teeny weeny bit of free space in it....

So, my nocturnal writing marathons look more like the silver ball in a pinball machine....bouncing from one project to the next. What's more fun is the necessary personality changes due to differing genres.  I start out prayerful, glide into romantic then dive into terror.

Crazy?  Yep!  But believe it or not, I like it this way.  I find by moving from one work in progress to another keeps me from over-focusing.  I can leave one behind and come back later and see it with fresh eyes.

It may not be the usual pattern for a writer, but it works for me ... now if I can just schedule time for sleep!

HOPELESSNESS

The recent suicide of Robin Williams breaks my heart, not just because he was a nice guy, with extraordinary talent, or was involved in many philanthropic projects ... it's because I know that excruciating emotional pain he must have been experiencing.  I suffer from depression and at one time was suicidal ... resulting in institutionalization. Praise God I was able to keep the demons at bay, but so many others are not, which was why I wrote a devotional, "Behind the Smile". Treatment and faith go hand-in-hand.

Below is an excerpt that addresses the desire to end one's life. The highlighted boxes are the personalized scriptures.

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Behind our smiles are tears.  We are the victims of depression.  We are the ones who are fighting a war within ourselves - a war that consists of many battles on many fronts.  Of those won, the losses always seem to eclipse the triumphs.  This book addresses the spiritual side of the battle by utilizing personalized scripture, to bring the reader into God's word with the goal of providing serenity and hope.  We can be victorious ... through treatment, scripture and prayer.

HOPELESSNESS

Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “To live without hope is to cease to live”, and so it is. When we fall into that state of hopelessness, we see no future … No fantasizing about wonderful things happening, because we know they won't. All we see is more pain and misery... a tunnel with no light at the end. During these periods, the thought of leaving this world provides a sense of calm, because there's nothing to look forward to except more darkness. Death is the only option...

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—

plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.

For He knows well the plans He has in mind for me … plans for my welfare and not for woe, so as to give me a future of hope.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit.

The God of hope fills me with all joy and peace in believing, and I will abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit.

Isaiah 40:31

They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength,

they will soar on eagles’ wings;

They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Hope in the LORD will renew my strength, I will soar on eagles’ wings; I will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Proverbs 23:18

For you will surely have a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

For I will surely have a future, and my hope will not be cut off.

Lamentations 3:24

The LORD is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him.

I believe The LORD is my portion … therefore, I will hope in Him.

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, I am mired in hopelessness that lures me towards self-destruction. Set me free from this agony. May my heart be open to support so that I can experience the hope Your son so lovingly gave to all of us.

Expectations

Preseason football has started, so you know this football fanatic is ecstatic!  While watching tonight, it reminded me of something I posted last season pertaining to expectations.  I re-read it and thought it would be worthy of re-posting. (And let's hope my fantasy team fares better than last year!)

FROM 12/27/13

As you can see by my wonderful graphic, Gridirongranny's season ended badly.  I didn't even make the play-offs.  My team entered the season poised for the championship but certain events altered the expected results.  This year, instead of kudos and cash, I was awarded a humbling reminder. 

Let's start at the beginning...

Every season I go through the excruciating process of selecting players that will carry me to victory. Once my team is set, each week I sit in front of the television, with my laptop tuned in to the NFL page. While watching one game, I monitor all the other games to see how each of my players is doing. It sounds obsessive, and maybe it is...but it's "normal" for me, being an enthusiastic competitor. 

This year, the first few weeks were wonderful. My opponents, one by one, were mercilessly defeated. Then it happened ... some of my players got hurt and others didn't achieve their projected points and I started losing. I was furious. I berated the players, using every name in the book. They let me down.  What did I do? I didn't wait for them to heal, or give them another opportunity to perform at their potential... I immediately dropped them and picked up replacements.  Well, those adjustments proved to be disastrous. Had I kept my original team I would have at least made the play-offs.

This happens in “real life” as well. Family and/or friends do not live up to our expectations and we react with anger and ostracize them. Is it right? No, but we do it anyway. We are blinded by anger and don't even consider there might be justifiable reasons surrounding the perceived transgression or that our expectations might just be a tad bit unrealistic. Whatever the circumstances, we are not only hurting them, we are hurting ourselves.

Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Harboring anger instead of forgiving creates a detachment from God and His will. Whatever the transgression, there is nothing that cannot be forgiven. Jesus demonstrated that on the cross.

Dear Jesus, may we always hold our hearts open to forgiveness.    Amen!

Looking Within

As a Catholic, I participate in all the sacraments, which includes the sacrament of reconciliation. It's a humbling experience confessing wrongdoings to a priest, but cleansing as well. Receiving absolution gives me the opportunity to dust myself off and start anew.  

I find the most difficult part of reconciliation is not the admission of fault or even the penance … it's looking within and forgiving myself. Carrying guilt creates a chasm between me and God, and my spiritual growth comes to a screeching halt. It's a constant battle, but when I find myself in a place of self-loathing I remember the following:

Psalms 32: 1,2,5,6 Blessed is he whose sins are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed are those whose sins the LORD does not count against them, and in whose spirit is no deceit…You forgave the guilt of my sin.

A final thought:  When we acknowledge our sins and repent to Him, He forgives us. Who are we to think we can undo what He has already done? So praise Him, thank Him and move forward with a renewed heart and spirit.