Leaving a Legacy

 The pain from losses in our lives magnifies during the holiday season. Through my training in grief and trauma response, I learned not to stuff the feelings or hold back the tears, call a friend or family member to share special memories, or, my favorite… write about it…not on a laptop but longhand. These actions won't erase the grief, but they will help navigate through that moment of sadness. (I call it a grief ambush).  

During one of my grief ambushes, I was missing my dad horribly.  I wrote about something special that happened after his death. That memory not only brought a smile but provided a life lesson: 

After a loved one passes, one of the most difficult things to do is to take care of their financial affairs. My father was meticulous in record-keeping and planning, which alleviated some of the stress – all files were clearly marked along with contacts in the event of his death. Although grateful for his organization, going through each file felt like an invasion of privacy. 

All but one account was handled by telephone, which helped keep my emotions in check … then I walked into his bank. I sat down with one of the account representatives, and when I handed him my father's death certificate, he sighed heavily and said, "Harold was one of our favorite customers." He left his desk to retrieve some paperwork, and the manager walked in with a coin and mismarked dollar bill. "Your father gave me this a few months ago, and I have it displayed on my desk. He was always bringing in tokens of appreciation, including boxes of Aplets and Cotlets. He made our day every time he came in; he will be missed." I lost it. The tears flowed as I pictured him grinning while handing out his treasures.   

Many others shared the same sentiments, from doctor's offices, the donut shop, his pedicure place – even people in our neighborhood he met on his daily walks…people I had never met came to our door offering condolences and said they enjoyed visiting with him, hearing about his life adventures, and appreciating the candy he always brought along to share.  

Shannon Alder once said, "Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they tell about you." What a remarkable legacy my dad left…one of selflessness, kindness, and love. And a memory that brings my smile back and has me imagining that when he entered Heaven, God smiled and said, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

 

The Gift - A Memory from Christmas Past

 

My writing time spans from around midnight to five o'clock in the morning. Some nights, I don't have the right words or the drive (shame on me), but I stay up anyway. Last night was like that. While reading and listening to the tv (multitasking?), I started thinking of a particular Christmas overseas. We were living in Casablanca, Morocco, on an Air Force Base. 

I was in the third grade and not old enough to go Christmas shopping alone. Dad planned on taking my sister and me, but I was impatient (a character flaw I still struggle with!). The route home from school went through military housing. On the way home one afternoon, it was trash collection day, and one of the cans along the way did not have a lid. I peeked in and, lo and behold, discovered an ashtray. It was round with green paint and gold specks. I looked around, making sure no one was watching, reached in, grabbed it, and put it in my lunch box. Mom will love this, I thought. 

When I arrived home, I hid it under my mattress until I could sneak into the bathroom and make it look new. I washed that darned ashtray about a gazillion times until the paint shined and specks shimmered, all the while oblivious to the fact there was a crack on the unpainted bottom. I excitedly told my dad I didn't need to shop for mom, that I already had her gift, and told him what I had done. All he said was, "That's a really nice gift."

 

Christmas morning took forever to come. I sat, anxiously waiting for my mom to rip through a mound of paper and tape that could have wrapped a battleship (I still use too much.) She looked down at the ashtray, gently turned it over, then turned it back. She rubbed her hand against the sparkly green surface and smiled. She said it was beautiful and would cherish it forever, and she gave me a great big hug. My heart jumped with joy, knowing I had made her happy. I was confident she never suspected it was used or found in a trash can. That secret was between dad and me.

 

That was one of my favorite Christmas memories, especially upon finding out she was aware of the origin of the gift shortly after she opened it. She saw the crack on the bottom and mentioned it to my dad when I was out of earshot, and he told her what had transpired. It didn't matter to her ... she proudly displayed that ashtray for years. She never said anything to me until I was an adult. 

 

Thinking about that Christmas brought me to tears, not just because this was one more Christmas without her and my dad, but because they loved me so much. Not only did they ignore the source of that green and gold ashtray, but they forgave the pain I caused them in later years when I took a detour to the darker side of life. I was in a garbage can too, but God, in His mercy, pulled me out - and He, along with mom and dad, helped me wash off and shine as if brand new.

The End of the Light

 

The mortuary that took care of my mom held a memorial service right before Christmas 2014 for those who lost someone during the year.  Before we lit candles in memory of our loved ones, one of the presiding ministers told a story that touched my heart and instilled a sense of hope. 

One night a father asked his young son to retrieve the well at the far end of their property.  It was dark, and the son was frightened.  The father told the boy to hold the bucket in one hand and a lantern in the other and continue walking until he reached the end of the light.  The son did as instructed, and before he knew it, he reached the well safely because the light never ended.  He filled the bucket, turned around, and returned home, no longer afraid. 

We are all faced with darkness in our lives, but as long as we hold on to God through faith, we will never reach the end of His loving light ... a light that shines over us with not only His love but of those we lost as well.

By Mary Saying "Yes"

 

Saint John Damascene tells us, “The day of the Nativity of the Mother of God is a day of universal joy because, through the Mother of God, the entire human race was renewed, and the sorrow of the first mother, Eve, was transformed into joy.”

As Christmas approaches, my heart overflows with gratitude towards the Blessed Mother because:

By Her saying, "Yes," we have a Savior ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we have direction ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we know how to live righteously ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we have hope ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we are loved unconditionally ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we are never alone ~

By Her saying, "Yes," we can look forward to eternal life.

Sadly, many women and men find the Christmas season difficult because they said, "No" when faced with an unexpected pregnancy. I used to experience deep sadness at Christmastime because it was the most prominent reminder of how I failed God, my children, and myself. I thought of my babies every time I saw baby Jesus in the manger or in the Blessed Mother’s arms. The regret was paralyzing.

If it hadn’t been for an after-abortion healing program, I would have continued to find myself saddened when viewing a nativity scene or images of the Blessed Mother with Baby Jesus and consider myself a failure in God's eyes. I now fully embrace Christmastime; I have a collection of nativity scenes and statues of the Holy Family and the Blessed Mother with Baby Jesus displayed throughout my home.

Through healing, I understood that because of Mary’s “Yes,” redemption for what I considered an unforgivable act was there for the asking. And because of God's loving mercy and Mary’s inspiration of faith and courage, I can speak out to prevent others from saying “No.”

“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus” …  Romans 3:23-24

If you are struggling with your decision to abort, please visit the Silent No More Awareness Campaign for healing resources.

You are not alone.