God Didn't Want Me

I was raised in a Christian home but had never been baptized. I obediently attended church growing up but when I left home and entered into my "dark days", God was not even part of my vocabulary ... unless I was using His name in vain or praying to get out of another jam.

My parents and sister attended a Methodist church in my hometown.  In 1977 my sister decided to get baptized and even though I was twenty-four and lived three hours away, they wanted me to join her. They used everything possible from their "coercion arsenal," secretly hoping baptism would somehow temper my decadent, self-destructive ways. I, on the other hand, thought it might be a way to get them "off my back."

The day before baptism, I was invited to an intramural baseball game  - a perfect opportunity to catch up with old friends. I was in the bleachers chatting away when suddenly my ears started ringing. People were screaming and I saw blood spurting over everyone around me, not realizing it was mine.  The bat had slipped out of the batter's hand, into the bleachers, and onto my forehead. Surprisingly I was not knocked out.  (Hard-headed, aren't I?).  

My skull was fractured in four places; I had a subdural hematoma, concussion, and needed twenty-eight stitches. While getting stitched up, my parents were there holding my hand.  Remembering the upcoming baptism, I squinted through black and blue swollen eyes and said, "See, God doesn't want me." Sadly, I believed it for many more years and continued my descent into the dark abyss of promiscuity and alcoholism.   

It took twenty-nine more years, two ex-husbands, a stint in a mental hospital (I was suicidal), and alcohol rehab to end a life of self-destruction. It was through AA meetings I grew to understand God had never abandoned me, it was I who abandoned Him. It was also through AA that I met my current husband. (third time's a charm).

Michael was a non-practicing Catholic. A few years into our marriage he felt compelled to "go home" and I tagged along. I loved everything about this faith community and wanted to be part of it so I signed up for RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). I can still see the joy on my parents' faces. It was a "prodigal daughter" moment.  On 4/15/2006, I "took the plunge" (literally - it was total immersion).

Contrary to the baptism that never was, I wasn't doing it to please anyone...I wanted it for me. There were times during the process when I had periods of doubt and feelings of unworthiness. I even considered backing out, but the Holy Spirit nudged me along ... (without the need for a baseball bat! 😁 )  

The timing of God often defies your thinking.  It contradicts logic.  You may have troubles, battles, or trials but they do not negate God's love for you.  There is a purpose behind your pain.  - Comfort Ocran

A week after accident         Baptism 4/15/2006

“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.” — Morgan Harper Nichols