A Matter of Closure

There was an interesting discussion on the radio the other day about what adoptive parents go through when their child wants to contact the birth parent(s).  Having gone through that experience, I decided it was time I blogged about it.

My son was placed in foster care when he was six years old. On a Friday, his drug-addicted mother left him and his three year old sister in a run-down motel room, where they were living at the time, and she never returned. It took three days for those two frightened children to be discovered and during the three days they survived on food my son found in garbage cans. The abandonment was reprehensible, but it paled in comparison to the abuse they endured since birth.

Who could resist that face?!!!

To make a long story short, they were both released for adoption. Their social worker and counselors determined it was in their best interest they be placed separately due to a variety of circumstances. My ex-husband and I adopted Bobby and another family in Connecticut adopted his sister.  We arranged cross-country visits during summers and they maintained weekly contact by phone.





As with many children that have suffered abuse, he joined our family with severe emotional and behavioral problems that reached the point of his needing institutionalization for assaults and two suicide attempts.  I became so angry I started researching (before I had Internet) and found both biological parents.  His mother had moved to Michigan and his father was in Colorado.  I wanted to give them a piece of my mind but my intention was to ask if they would be willing to talk to my son.  I knew he needed closure in order to move forward.  Obviously they were both surprised to hear about the adoption, but willing to cooperate.  Thankfully both were clean and sober at that point.  (I also wanted to ask why they hadn't tried to find their children but as I said before, that wasn't my intention, anyway ... it was something they needed to explain to Bobby).

The calls were made under the supervision of Bobby's therapist at the residential treatment facility and it was recommended I not be present.  That day I was an emotional wreck...On one hand I was glad he would be able to get closure and hopefully make significant progress to come home, but on the other hand I was scared he would want to reunite with one or the other and not love me any more.   The calls worked, he made great strides emotionally and behaviorally. He had no intention of reuniting, whew!, and eventually came "home".   Although his parents continued contact for awhile, the letters and calls unfortunately diminished after a few months.

Visiting him in Michigan in 2009
after birth of our second
granddaughter.

Seven years ago my son moved from here (California). After the birth of my first grandchild his girlfriend wanted to be closer to her family....coincidentally in Michigan. Once there he asked me if I could find out if his biological mom was still there.  The fear surfaced again...not just with him wanting to see her but having "that woman" part of my granddaughter's life.  To be honest I don't know if it was fear, jealousy or anger.  I did some research (thankfully it was easier via Internet) and she still lived in Michigan about a hundred miles away from Bobby.  He did visit and take my granddaughter, and after the visit he called me.  I fought tears as he said, "Mom, it was so sad, she looked so old and worn out from all the drugs. I'm so glad I have you!"

He hasn't visited her since, but just as Bobby needed closure
so many years ago, I needed some too. I carried a great deal
of anger, hate and resentment towards both of his biological parents.
I had to accept the fact that although they made some bad choices
and suffered the consequences, I had made bad choices too ... during my
"demon years". How dare I judge them?

I don't know if they ever reached out for God's mercy...I hope they have.
Regardless, it's my job to keep my side of the street clean, keep them in my
prayers and forgive ...

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  

Matthew 6:14-15

Present Day :)

I am so very blessed!!!!!

Ten Commandments for the Digital Age

I read this article on the Immaculate Heart Radio website and it's definitely worth sharing!

Posted on May 23, 2014 by Stephanie  http://ihradio.com/

It is  incredibly easy in our digital age to connect with people throughout the world, which presents both opportunities and challenges for spreading the Gospel message. Earlier this year, Pope Francis emphasized the opportunity of evangelization on the internet, saying:

“The digital highway is … a street teeming with people who are often hurting, men and women looking for salvation or hope.  By means of the internet, the Christian message can reach ‘to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).’  Keeping the doors of our churches open also means keeping them open in the digital environment so that people, whatever their situation in life, can enter, and so that the Gospel can go out to reach everyone.”

1: Be positive and joyful. Offer ‘digital smiles’ and have a sense of humour.

2. Strictly avoid aggression and ‘preachiness’ online; try not to be judgmental or polemical.
3. Never bear false witness on the internet.
4. Fill the internet with charity and love, always giving rather than taking.
5. Have a broad back when criticisms and insults are made – when possible, gently correct.
6. Pray in the digital world. Establish sacred spaces, opportunities for stillness, reflection and      meditation.
7. Establish connections, relationships and build communion.
8. Educate our young to keep themselves safe and to use the internet responsibly.
9. Witness to human dignity at all times online. We are well aware of the pervasive prevalence of pornography on the internet which can ‘pollute the spirit’.
10. Be a missionary, be aware that with the help of the internet, a message has the potential to reach the ends of the earth in seconds.

FACE YOUR REGRETS

My book,"Moments with God", includes an article written by the late Jim Benefield, LMFT, "Turning Your Lifelong Regrets into Immeasurable Graces". It was an integral part of my healing and I'm sure it will be the same for all who read it. I was honored he and his wife, Rosemary (a driving force in my devotional writing), graciously allowed me to use the complete article. The following is an excerpt:

Face Your Regrets

The first step to freedom from past regrets is to describe them in detail. Explain what you regret having lost in terms of past, present, and future opportunities. For example, “My life would have been so much better if I had not been adopted into this dysfunctional family,” or “If I had worked harder at my grades, I would have been able to go to the school of my choice.” Express your anger at yourself and at others. When you have finished expressing your anger, imagine yourself wrapping your regrets into “a package”. Then visualize yourself going into the Garden of Gethsemane and presenting your package of regrets to Jesus in his agony.

As you present this package of regrets to Jesus, He invites you to kneel down with Him and you hear Him say, “I will make something good of this.” And then you see Jesus do a very strange thing: He takes your package of regrets, and as he places them together with the multitude of regrets already before him in the garden, He pulls you close to Himself and begins to sob uncontrollably. As He sobs, you hear Him pray to His Heavenly Father. He sees that these regrets have seriously impeded a healthy trustful relationship between you and your Heavenly Father. His prayer to his Father is filled with compassion on your behalf.

You lean close to hear Him pray: “My dear Father, I know that you will refuse Me nothing. I bring you this child whose heartaches and disappointments have interfered with his ability to love and trust You. Father, he is your child, and I ask that You not hold this against him. He has been blinded by so much sorrow that all he sees is himself and his regrets. He doesn't see Us and our love for him. Heal the anger in his soul, and by your grace do not let him be dominated by self-loathing, resentments, hostility and unforgiveness towards himself and others.

“Oh merciful and forgiving Father, touch him with the fire of your forgiveness and plunge this fire into the deepest recesses of his being, so that he is moved also to seek out forgiveness from You for those that have harmed him. Remove this bondage of hate and let him no longer be ruled by it. Remove the dismal outlook that he has for his future and fill him with hope and knowledge of Our love for him. Give him all that he needs so that he can receive forgiveness for himself and hold on to Your forgiveness as his most precious gift from You.

“By the power that I have in You, I hereby declare this soul free from the destructive effects of the regrets of his past that he has not been able to let go. I declare him free from the harm that he has done to himself and others, and from the harm that others have done to him. Let healing flow into those who have been wounded by his actions and omissions, and when the time is right let there be reconciliation between them.

“Place your hands over his heart and seal it with a confident faith in your provincial care for him. Let him see the regrets that he has clung to so tenaciously as “your branding mark” that will forever bind him to your love for all to see. As surely as the cattleman brands his steer for all to know its ownership, so let it be with him. Even as You have used my wounds of the crucifixion to draw mankind back to You, so let his wounds be joined with Mine, co-mingled with my suffering for the expiation of sin and the conversion of souls. Even as none of my suffering was wasted, do not let one morsel of his suffering go unused for your divine purpose.”

As Jesus prays, you notice that your package of anger and regrets is saturated with his tears and by droplets of the blood from the “sweat” of his brow. Jesus holds on to you even more tightly and concludes, “I thank you for receiving and honoring this prayer on (your name)'s behalf even as you receive and honor me.”






HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

A Father's Love

My eighty-six year old dad recently gave up his driver's license so I am now his full-time chauffeur. He had physical therapy yesterday and wanted to go to his bank and pharmacist as well. 

What he did on every stop is something I will hold in my heart forever.  He carried my recently released paperback "Moments with God" with him.  He told me he wanted to show it to everyone because he was so proud.

You might be wondering why I'm so emotional about this ... For decades I was his main source of embarrassment, not pride. (Detailed in "And God Still Loves Me", which is also an added feature in the paperback.)

And yes, it got me thinking again.  Our Father's love is the same.  He might not be pleased with some of our actions, but He loves us nonetheless.  When we                                               are repentant, our sins are forgiven ... We are given another chance to do it                                               right and make Him proud.  

     “The great thing to remember is that though our 

feelings come and go 

God's love for us does not."

- C.S. Lewis

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

A Bit of Humor and Girl's Night Out

Just a few items I would like to share today that I hope will bring a smile to your face!


They Won't Show this on the Food Channel!  Last week I broke out in hives.  I didn't know what caused them but I was miserable.  I tried baking soda, calamine lotion, benadryl and any other home remedy I could get my hands on.  They were starting to spread to my face (oh no, not that!) so I decided to visit urgent care.  (Of course, I waited until my doctor's office was closed so had to pay through my itchy nose!).  Diagnosis:  I had made a wonderful meal for my husband, dad and uncle which included a beautiful salad with fresh, homemade bleu cheese dressing (I made a gallon of it!).  The dressing was sooooo delicious I ate three salads in two days. Well, as you all know, bleu cheese is made of mold, right?  Fresh bleu cheese is stronger than the bottled stuff, right?  Penicillin is made from mold, right? Now...guess who's allergic to penicillin? You got it! ME!  I had an allergic reaction to one of my best creations ever....and now the gallon of dressing sits in the refrigerator ... being enjoyed by everyone ... but me.  (But it does give me an idea for a possible salad serial killer book!)

Really??????

Girls Night Out:

Although under the influence of a double dose steroid shot for my hives (which creates not-so-pleasurable mood swings), and still itching a little...I was not about to miss my planned GNO with my best friend, Susan ... a Q & A event with Melissa Manchester headlining, and an overnight stay at a casino/hotel.  The show was awesome (video clip follows) but spending time with Susan made it even more special. I was fortunate to meet her through her mom...my very first AA sponsor (Dottie B.).  Dottie passed a few years ago and you all know my mom passed in February.  I walked with Susan through her grief and she's walking with me through mine.  The GNO was our way to celebrate not just our friendship but our mothers.  I'm sure mom and Dottie were sitting together thinking, "Yep, those are our girls!  Singing along with Melissa, swaying to the music, acting like crazy ladies in the casino and freaking out over the Q & A moderator's shoes (you have to see them....they were unbelievable!).

Happy Birthday Mom, and Happy Mother's Day Mom & Dottie....we love and miss you!

We had front row seats which was great!  

In this clip she explains the birth of a song she wrote, then performs it.  

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY AND HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Mother's Day

We celebrate many "firsts" ... First smile, first tooth, first step, first date.  But there are other "firsts" in our lives that bring sadness.  

May 11th is my first Mother's Day without mom and it just happens to also be her birthday ... a double whammy. Seeing Mother's Day commercials on TV has literally brought me to tears.

What I have come to realize these past few days is that although I'm still grieving, I am smiling more.  I'm not reflecting as much on her death as I am her life.  The images of her fading away - physically and mentally - are being replaced with all the memories from years passed, especially those after she and dad moved in with us and before she started failing.  For me, that's the one thing that is softening the blow.  Having her that close was a wonderful opportunity to share quality time day in and day out - something many have not had.  God, in His infinite wisdom, knew I would need that special time - and for that I am truly grateful.

My prayer for Sunday

Heavenly Father, please wrap me in your loving and comforting arms.  May I be consoled knowing that each tear that drops will be an "I Love You" being sent to my mom in Heaven.

Letting Go - Words to Live By

I strive to find the good in everyone; however, a misguided (albeit heartfelt) sense of loyalty at times prevents me from seeing the toxicity of some people in my life.  Letting go of these people can be hard but necessary.  

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Regardless who it is, it's okay to let go ... as long as its done in the spirit of love and forgiveness. 

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

.  

God's Timing

My husband and I just returned from a four day mini-vacation in Palm Springs.  We were joined by his two sisters (visiting from Connecticut and Maine), as well as my dad.   I had originally planned on starting Volume 2 of Grave Obsessions while there, but was having a problem formulating the story line.  I had a plethora (love that word) of ideas floating in my brain but nothing stuck.  I started to stress out, then prayed for inspiration.  I suddenly stopped worrying (which is quite rare) and was able to actually relax and enjoy spending quality time with family...and guess what happened?  Yep!  I woke up this morning 
and the direction for Volume 2 popped into my mind.

Lesson Learned:  Had God answered me right away, I would have glued myself to the laptop and missed out on getting more acquainted with my terrific sisters-in-law, spending quiet time with my husband and seeing my dad enjoy himself with all of us "youngsters"!   God's timing is impeccable and I am forever grateful!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!