Saturday, May 9, 2015

Assigning Blame: A Mother's Day Tribute

It’s 1:30 a.m. and everyone else in the house is tucked in and sound asleep.  I’ve been sitting here in the recliner, listening to the wind chimes on the porch, the dogs snore, and the house creak for the past two hours …  struggling to find the perfect words for a Mother’s Day tribute.  You might be thinking, “For crying out loud, Patti.  You’re a writer.  It should be easy.”  Well, I’ll tell you a secret:  There are times when words hide in the recesses of my heart … preventing the raw emotions from surfacing and damming up a lake of tears.  This is one of those times … but through prayer, some gentle prodding from the Holy Spirit and a box of Kleenex nearby, I think I’m ready.

As most of you know by now, I was not the perfect daughter by any means.  The one word that comes to mind to describe my past behavior is “reprehensible”.  During those “dark days”, I would lash out at my mother and blame her for my actions.  Why?  Because in my booze-soaked, self-pitying, self-indulgent brain I was convinced she hated me and considered me a failure.   She would encourage me to strive for a better life and all I heard was, “You aren’t good enough.” She would invite me to come home to work things out and all I heard was, “You are not capable of being on your own.”   She would suggest I go back to church and all I heard was, “You’re going to hell.”  I twisted all of her words of love and support into a declaration of my inadequacies.  I would thank her by spewing out a mouthful of vile and demeaning comments. 

Praise God those days are long gone.  I’m no longer blinded by denial.  I see what an incredible woman she was … but I’m not through assigning blame. I blame her for a life that is now filled with blessings beyond belief.  A life that would have otherwise continued down the path of self-destruction had it not been for her faith, strength and unconditional love.

Thank you, mom, for never giving up on me.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, miss you and thank God for being your daughter.    

It's now 5:30 a.m. The dam broke and tears are flowing ... but that’s okay.  My mom is worth each and every one. 



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