NOTE: Commentary is made as a private citizen and not as Regional Coordinator for Silent No More or Leader of Rachel's Hope, unless otherwise stated.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Easier Said Than Done

Being an author of Christian devotionals it would appear my spiritual house is in order and I walk the walk.  Well, I have a confession to make - recently it wasn't and I didn't.

Not too long ago we were informed my eighty-six year old mom has cancer. Upon hearing the diagnosis I found myself distancing myself from her because she wanted to talk about "it". I ran errands, wrote or (heaven forbid) cleaned and organized the house - anything to avoid sitting down with that sweet, frightened, wonderful woman and talking to her.  I knew she needed encouragement, comfort, to share memories, and show me items she wants others to have when she's gone ... but I was afraid, afraid I'd break down in front of her - afraid I'd say something stupid - but most of all afraid of accepting the fact I was losing her.  

There was a great deal of guilt due to my actions(or lack thereof)and it wasn't until a couple of days later, in the shower (I do my best praying and most crying there), that a feeling of peace surrounded me. God gently reminded me of the words I wrote in one of my devotionals and everything became clear.

    "The progression of illness and/or imminent death can strip away our resolve to be positive, calm and supportive. In times of weakness we need to remember Jesus in the garden. We need to turn to God for strength, ask for healing but remain steadfast in accepting His will, not ours.
    Jesus, when discouragement, fear and anxiety surface, give me the resolve to stand with you as the earthbound source of comfort to my loved one. Provide me with the peace of knowing Thy will, not mine, be done."

I do pray the prayers I write, but for those few days I was lost ... suffocated with denial,fear and unacceptable self-pity; all at the expense of my mom and the valuable time she has left. We were told this past Friday the cancer is advancing rapidly and she only has around two months. I thank God for putting me in my place before it was too late. 

Her loss will create a huge void in my life as she has been such a loving, important and influential part of it...but she's here today and I am going to cherish every moment.


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